I am Silverite
by inferablefiend
Summary: Defined by her family, Ni attempts to find herself in the war around her. She must choose between being herself and the image people want her to be. She finds a haven with someone who understands her and this person brings Ni's true self to light.
1. Chapter 1

Willow Trevelyan had enough of her family poking into her life. It was almost a relief when she was sent to the Circle at such a young age. At least her family's influence couldn't reach her there. Except it did. It reached its slimy, clawed fingers around the barriers of the Circle and made it known who she was. Who she belonged to. When she was at the ripe age of fourteen, her parents started looking for a suitor. Someone to tame her.

Except… She didn't think they knew how the Circle worked. Willow had a distaste for her family's reach. For the influence that ran through the ties and the blood that travelled through her veins. It disgusted her when she looked in the mirror. Her eyes, a trait she shared with her mother. Blue eyes so often full of deceit, she often didn't trust her own.

It was almost a relief when the Circle was forced to disband. If her parents didn't know where she was, they couldn't bother her. Willow joined a rebel group that fought against the Templars. Much of her anger was thrown into her spells, making them more powerful. She felt free. Free. Even though the name Trevelyan still weighed on her shoulders. It marked her an outsider to this new, nomadic life. She needed a change. Something to distinguish herself.

First her name. Willow Trevelyan was and would always be her cage. It locked her in tightly, winding around her heart with a spell she couldn't break. "Shianna!" Willow yelled over the noise of the camp.

The tiny elf turned her head. "Yeah?"

"What's the Dalish word for freedom?"

Shianna looked at her for a moment. Her eyes narrowed in Willow's general direction, though they looked glazed over. Oh, shit. Did she offend Shianna by asking? "Why?" Shianna asked, focusing on Willow again.

"I…" It was hard to explain. She couldn't just outright say she was the daughter of a noble though she knew there were plenty of noble offspring in the rebel camp. They wore their surnames with pride, smug pleasure. Sure that their families would bring them back into the comfortable fold when the war was over. If the war ended.

Willow beckoned the elf to her side, got up and hid behind a rock. Shianna followed. "Are we playing hide 'n go seek?"

"No. I want to tell you something."

So Willow told her. Everything. Her family. The being hard pressed to find a husband when she preferred something else. Someone else. To the Circle meaning freedom and this being freedom. A fresh start. A change in who she was. Willow Trevelyan would no longer exist by the morning.

Shianna sat in silence for a few minutes, Willow resisting the urge to bite her nails. Did coming clean to the elf ruin her chances of making a friend? Was she disgusted by her? "Somniari," the elf said.

"Somniari?"

"It means dreamer. You didn't just get freedom, you're a dreamer. You've made it to this point and you'll make it beyond this point." Shianna put her hand on Somniari's.

"That's a mouthful," Somniari said, laughing. "Ni for short?"

"Ni it is. Nice to meet you, Ni. I'm Shianna."

By morning, Willow Trevelyan didn't exist.

AAA

"Could you do something else for me?" Ni asked.

Shianna rolled over to face her. "What?"

"Scar my face."

Shianna pulled back, disgust written on her face with narrowed eyebrows and turned down lips. "What now?"

It was hard for Ni to repeat herself. It came to her late at night. With a mirror, she still resembled Willow. The curve of her lips. Thin eyebrows. Sky blue eyes. Sculptured edge of her chin. Ni stayed silent, keeping her eyes on the elf. She mustn't waver.

"Ni, do you realize what you're asking?"

Ni got up and paced. "I do."

"I don't think you do."

"Shianna, the name isn't enough."

"And what if the scarring isn't enough? What then? Are you going to change your eye color too? Shave off your eyebrows?" Shianna stopped Ni from pacing. "You can't."

Her entire life, Ni was told she couldn't. She couldn't have a relationship outside what her family wanted. She couldn't have a relationship outside what her family wanted, couldn't follow her heart. It ended then. "Watch me."

Ni stalked off with a dagger in her hand. Her destination the river though she didn't know what she was would do when she got there. How does one go about carving into their face? Ni wasn't looking for a specific design. She didn't want it to be distinguishable. Just different.

When she got to the river, her reflection wavered at her. You can't. Ni carved.

It was like fire spreading across her cheek, scalp and lip. She didn't stop even when she watched the skin split under the dagger's edge. Even when the blood flowed down her neck, ruining her clothes. Even when she got a little too close to her eye for complete comfort. Slowly, under the silver gleam of the knife, she watched Willow fade away.

Ni sat back. She wanted to scream. Needed to scream. She screamed. And through the haze of her pain and the steam of the blood, she saw Shianna. Her guardian angel. Bright light and she was convinced she died.

Ni woke with only half her eyesight. Panic laced through her bloodstream, causing small jumps in her muscles. "Shhh," came a voice from her right. A soothing voice. "You certainly proved me wrong, didn't you?"

A small smile quirked at her lips, which pulled at her face. Ni wheezed. "How bad is it?"

"You'll survive, but the scars will be everlasting."

Ni didn't dare smile. She didn't dare bring attention to the happiness filling her chest. It sprung up like a new, dewy morning. Hope.

"I had to cut off your hair."

"You what?"

"Somehow you cut into your scalp and to properly treat it, I had to cut off your hair."

Ni put her hand to her head. Skin met skin where there used to be luxurious, thick locks. Now there was only a strip of stubble. "Do I look bad?"

"No. You have a nice head shape."

Ni's next movement surprised herself. Her hand blindly reached out for Shianna, wrapped her fingers around the base of her neck and kissed the elf.

It was only a moment. One that didn't last nearly long enough.

But the silence stretched on forever. Shianna sat on Ni's blindside. She said nothing. Statue still.

Say something! It was an eternity until Shianna spoke. Ni was sure stars died and were reborn again.

"Ni-"

"I'm sorry. I-"

Ni stumbled out of the tent, hitting things she didn't see. Her brain barely registered the pain as it registered the embarrassment.

Ni avoided Shiana. It helped when she got her left eyesight back and she could see the elf attempt to sneak up on her. When the leader wanted someone to go to the Conclave to run interference for the mages, or at least their group, she volunteered.

By midnight, she was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Ni spoke to no one. She thought of no one. Shianna popped into her dreams, but Ni chased her away even then. It required no explanation. No need to tell her why Shianna reacted the way she did.

It was obvious.

The Trevelyans, her family, was right. No one could love one such as her and that… It cut deeper than the healing scars on her face. Ni put a hand to the grooved skin. Her fingers made their own travel across the expanse of her cheek.

Some might question the necessity of her change. Some might question her sanity. Let them.

When she looked at her reflection, the final traces of Willow receded leaving only Ni. Lately, Willow began to creep back slowly, tail between her legs. Ni was having a difficult time pushing her back.

Shianna kept Ni together. Healed all her cracks and bruises.

Now Ni was falling apart.

She warmed her hands next to the fire, wanting to leave the ghosts of her past be. They persisted, poking at her. Pay attention to us. Remember. Remember…

Bann Trevelyan sat in a high backed chair in the center of the room. When family matters needed to be discussed, this is how they were deliberated. In a throne room of sorts. Three other chairs sat in a semi-circle across from Bann.

Willow sat in the chair in the middle of the semi-circle. Her brother, Quin on her left and Elena Trevelyan on her right. They were discussing Willow and only Willow.

Bann brought a hand to his mouth and narrowed his eyes at his youngest. "The maid caught you kissing that girl," he said after a moment of silence.

Willow said nothing.

"Do you realize what that could have cost us if exposed?" Elena asked her softly. Willow glanced at her mother, those blue eyes, so familiar, so much like home.

But she knew better. Behind those eyes laid the truth. Her mother hated her at that moment.

"Willow doesn't have to carry on the Treveylan name," Quin piped up with. "What does it matter who she kisses?"

Bann's lips set in a hard line, his eyes stone cold on Quin. Willow's older brother held his ground, staring back at his father. "She may not have to carry on the Trevelyan name, but I will have my daughter do more than kissing girls."

It was less than a year later, she was recruited into the Circle. Hope was renewed, waking up with fresh eyes. Hope was what kept her alive all those years.

In the dying embers of her own fire, she wondered what kept her alive now. Ni hugged her knees to her chest and watched the fire die.

AAA

Confusion. Madness. Blood. Screams. Unnatural green light.

Help. Her help? Yes, her help.

A dungeon.

"Tell me about this!" the woman said, grabbing her wrist and showing her the aberrant green light.

"I can't. I don't know how that got there," Ni replied. She wanted to keep her cool. Needed it. But it slipped away like water through her fingers.

"Everyone is dead. Everyone, the Divine, those who attended with her. The Templars and mages. Everyone except you. Explain that." The dark haired woman gripped her sword hilt so tightly, her knuckles turned white.

"I wasn't there to ruin the Conclave. I was there to set things right between the Templars and the rebel group I was running with."

The woman considered Ni for a moment. "But you have killed, no?" the red haired woman spoke up. "Would it not be above you to kill again?"

Ni slipped. She fell into the abyss of anger awaiting for her in the pit of her mind. "I killed when necessary! I killed when threatened. I killed because I had to. Not because I wanted to. How could you-"

"Cassandra, we need her. We can use her," the red haired woman said, pulling the other aside.

"Go to the camp, Leliana. I will take her myself." Leliana nodded and left.

Was Leliana the only thing standing between Ni and the woman Cassandra? Would Ni have to kill again?

Ni followed Cassandra out, plotting ways to kill the woman and running before someone could catch her.

Cold hit her cheeks, instantly numbing them. Ni was once again a bird in a cage. "Where are you taking me?"

Sing little birdy.

"What is that?" Light spilled from the sky. It hurt her eyes to look, but still she did. It was a rip. A hole, but this wasn't one she wanted to explore.

"We call it the Breach," Cassandra explained. "It's not the only one and it was caused by the explosion at the Conclave."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"The mark on your hand, another mage theorizes that it might be able to close the rift. We are going to test that theory on a smaller rift before you attempt that one."

When Cassandra moved, Ni followed like a trained dog on a leash. Eyes stared at her, through her, gouged out her soul. "They blame you for what happened," Cassandra said.

"Seems about-" The Breach above her moved, just widening an inch.

This inch felt like a knife straight into her palm. She wanted to clench but it made it worse. "Ah!"

"Each time the Breach spreads, so does your mark, killing you." Cassandra's voice was clinical, cold as she watched Ni writhe in pain.

It faded eventually. "Then let's get going."

Once outside the camp, Cassandra cut her rope. "You're putting a lot of trust in me," Ni said, rubbing her hands.

The woman glanced at her. "I'm not putting trust in you. I'll cut you down where you stand if you make the wrong move."

Lovely. Ni nodded. She was also willing to cut down Cassandra if she made the wrong move.

The rest of the walk was mostly silence broken by the sharp cracks and her gasps of pain as the Breach widened.

Rocks fell from the sky, striking the earth around them. As the two reached the bridge, one broke the stone beneath them sending Ni falling onto the frozen lake below. She hit her shoulder, the pain jarring up into her hand. "Damnit…"

Cassandra had already rolled away, unsheathing her short sword and shield to battle it out with a demon.

"No, no, no." A demon slithered from the ground to its full height in front of Ni. She glanced around frantically, eying the staff right next to her. She didn't need it, but who knew how strong they were?

Ni stood slowly. She kept one eye on the demon and the other on the staff. When it was right, she rolled to her left and grabbed as she gained her footing. Ni bent her legs, holding her staff in her right hand and putting her left out. She swung the staff hitting it with ice. The demon fell back, it's screech ending as Cassandra put her blade through it.

Cassandra didn't sheathe her sword. "Drop the weapon."

Ni rolled her eyes, sure they went far into the back of her head. "You know I can cast spells without it right?"

Cassandra didn't waver.

Ni dropped it. "You can't protect both of us," she said as Cassandra put away her weapons.

The warrior hesitated, a look in her eyes that looked almost like trust. "You're right."

Ni slid the weapon onto her back. A fire that died a long time ago renewed in her chest, sparking.


	3. Chapter 3

The two fought demon after demon, working in tandem with each other. Before Ni arrived at the Conclave, she spent so many weeks alone. Slowly, Ni was sure she went insane. Now, it was nice to have someone to work with. Ni froze the demon in place and Cassandra sent the deathblow.

Something about the warrior intrigued Ni. A strong grace in the fluidity of Cassandra's movements. It stirred around her, brightening when she killed a demon.

Ni zoned out, leaning on her staff. She stared at a piece of out of focus rock, replaying the battle scene in her head. The curves of Cassandra-

"Hello?" Cassandra yelled.

"I have a name," Ni said, focusing on Cassandra. "It's Ni."

Cassandra made a disgusted noise as if it was Ni's fault for making her wait for the mage to introduce herself. "Fine. Are you coming or are you going to continue to stand there?"

Ni exhaled before jogging over to the warrior. "Are you always this brash?" she asked, stopping short of Cassandra.

Cassandra's golden brown eyes reflected in the sun, but she gave no answer to Ni's question.

Sounds of shouts and a battle echoed off the snowy staircase. It got her blood pumping. Ni only killed humans and elves when necessary, but in the heat of the battle, serenity would spread through her chest. It guided her hands to conjure the right spells. To have moments of clarity and peace in such chaos, excited her, exhilarated her like nothing else.

Ni ran up the stairs. As she rounded the corner, the same green light hovered over people fighting below. She didn't hesitate. Ni drew her weapon and blasted one demon back. They were well-skilled, driving demon after demon back. She noticed another mage and a dwarf firing a crossbow.

The battle clustered around the rift. One last screech and Ni prepared to shout in victory when the elven mage grabbed her hand. The rift exploded and streamed through her palm, disappearing into nothing. It felt like pulling a spell inwards. Instead of expelling energy, it gathered around the mark, jumping and pushing. She closed her hand and stared at him.

Did she hit him or kiss him for proving she was useful?

"How did you do that?"

"It was all you," he said.

Relief passed through her body, relaxing tense muscles. She could help. Then they might not excecute her for something she's innocent of.

"Whatever magic opened the Breach in the sky also opened that mark upon your head. I theorized the mark might be able to close the rifts that have opened in the Breach's wake-and it seems I am correct.

"Can it close the Breach?" Cassandra asked.

"Possibly. But it may also kill her. Cassandra, I do not believe what happened is her fault. It is hard to believe any person, even a mage, holding this much power naturally."

Ni was silent. Even if she couldn't add to what the mage and Cassandra were saying, it didn't feel good to be talked about like she wasn't there.

Solas was staring at her curiously. Ni glared back, not liking how transparent she felt under his gaze. "Yes?"

"My name is Solas, by the way. I watched over you while you slept."

Pretenious. "Ni. It's nice to meet-"

"Chuckles never does anything selflessly. So what he really means si he kept you alive. Name is Varric Tethras. Writer and occasional unwanted tag along." The dwarf turned and winked at Ni. A smile tugged tightly at Ni's cheeks, widening without her permission. She already liked him.

Cassandra made a disgusted noise. "Come, Leliana is waiting for us at the forward camp." She turned on her heel.

More demons impeded their travel, but they made it through relatively unharmed. Ni was ready to fall from exhaustion when she recognized the red robes of the Chantry.

He was shouting angrily at Leliana.

Dread filled her stomach, making her sick. Was this it? Would she die for a crime she didn't commit? Ni's footsteps slowed until Cassandra and Solas pulled ahead.

She felt a hand on her arm. Ni stared into Varric's sympathetic eyes."Don't worry, Patch. I won't let anything happen to you." She was too caught up in her fear to question what he called her.

Not feeling better, she followed him. "As Grand Chancellor of this Chantry, I hereby order you to take this criminal to Val Royeaux to face execution."

"Chancellor Roderick," Leliana spoke up, but Cassandra intervened.

"I will not." Cassandra glared at her. "You have no power here, Chancellor."

"You are supposed to serve the Chantry!" Roderick cried. His eyes moved towards Ni every once in a while. She put on her best glare and hoped the fear wouldn't leak through.

"We serve the Divine," Leliana countered.

"She is dead. We need a replacement and follow her order on the matter."

"Nothing will get solved at this moment, Chancellor." Cassandra's voice was smaller. She didn't lower her glare, but it was obvious she was trying to calm him.

It seemed to work. Roderick looked sick; pale and sweating in the face, he dabbed his white sleeve on his forehead. "She still needs-" He didn't finish his sentence, but pointed to Ni. She glared at him more tensely causing him to look away from her.

Tired of standing by while others decided poorly on her fate, she challenged them. "I am right here."

The three stopped arguing for a long enough moment to allow Roderick to growl, "I know."

"Then stop talking about me like I'm not. I understand you have to figure out what happened at the Conclave, but stop assuming I was the one who did that!" Ni banged her fist down on the table. Metal pieces scattered across the map pinned to the top fell over.

It was Roderick's turn to be silent and glare at her. "If it was me, then punish me. But until then, can we please close the Breach?" Ni pointed to the hole in the sky.

"Ni is right. We need to close the Breach," Cassandra agreed.

"How are you going to get to the Temple? You won't survive." Roderick sat back on the stool behind him. He wiped the sweat from his cheeks.

"We must. If we go straight to the Temple, it'll be the quickest route." Cassandra pointed to it on the map.

"We can use those soldiers as a distraction as we take the mountain pass." Leliana pointed out a different route on the map.

It made sense, but if you planned to sacrifice the soldiers, better to fight asire them than use them as cannon fodder.

"What do you think?" Cassandra turned to Ni.

"Me? Why are you asking me?"

"You've proven yourself able in battle." Eyes rested on her. She needed to make a choice, a good choice, but she never proved she was a good leader.

Ni was not a good leader. When given the chance to lead rebel mages against Templars in some forgotten forest, she lost half of the mages under her command. Ever since then, she was scared to make a choice that could affect hundreds of lives.

However… if she was a soldier, she would prefer to die in battle with her brothers and sisters around her instead of servingas a distraction, thrown away like a piece of parchment. "Best go the straight route."

Cassandra flashed her a tight-lipped smile before marching forward to rouse her troops. Butterflies settled gently in Ni's stomach. Was she making the right choice?

And was she...attracted to Cassandra?

Nah. It was only nerves of being asked to make a choice.


	4. Chapter 4

he Breach above the mountain pass exploded. Ni stared at her hand with the fascination of a child with a toy. In the corner of her eye, she noticed Roderick and his self-serving smile. Fuck off.

As a whole, Ni felt as if this was a bad idea. It was like going into a lion's den with meat covering your entire body. As they entered the wreckage of the Temple, there was no time to grieve for those lost. Demons immediately popped up, screeching and drawing their attention away from it.

Burnt flesh assaulted her nostrils. Ni put a hand to her nose, casting spells with one hand. Cassandra and Solas handled the demons. She only half-heartedly battled. "Maker…"

"Close the rift!" yelled Solas.

Her attention drawn back to the battle, she drew forward and placed her hand out. Energy streamed from the rift into her palm. Ni gritted her teeth and held her ground. Damnit. Was this going to get more and more painful as time went on? Or would it be the same?

Ni's surroundings were almost ethereal. Giant spikes of rock became the landscape against the sky. Melted snow and smoke rose, fogging the area around them. With the Breach's light so close, everything had a sickly green glow to it.

"Cassandra, you closed the rift," a man's voice said. He stepped out of the ruins of the timber.

"Do not thank me, Cullen. This is Ni's doing." Cassandra pointed to her. Somewhere in the fires of her fear, she felt pride. It was small, but there.

Ni walked forward to greet Cullen. "I hope they're right about you. We've lost a lot of people getting you here." Cullen sounded angry. As if it was her fault for them dying.

Ni ran a hand over her head. "I'm your only fucking hope, okay? Please, please stop blaming me or faulting me or putting anything on my head. The Divine and all the people in the Conclave, I didn't kill them. The people you 'lost' getting me to this point, it wasn't me who made that order." She glared at Cullen who only stared back. The commander wasn't easily swayed.

"You can get to the Temple. Leliana should already be there."

Leliana nodded and gave a hand gesture for her troops to follow Cullen.

"Maker watch over you," Cullen said before he went back the way Ni came.

The Maker had nothing to do with the mess. In fact, if there was someone to blame, it would be the Maker. Ni clenched her teeth, listening to them grind for a moment. She sighed deeply, closed her eyes and sent a small prayer to someone. Anyone but the Maker.

Heat bore down on those walking up the steps into the Temple. Fire blazed on skeletal corpses glued to the ground. "They say a woman was in the rift behind you, but no one knows who she was," Cassandra said quietly.

Ni glanced at her. She moved along the path, looking up at the ruins. Stones walls that once stood proudly were now buried in debris. Warrior bodies, fresh or otherwise, littered the ground before her.

The trail brought her downwards into a hallway which led out to the heart of the Breach.

So much destruction, death… Ni wanted to puke. She wanted to turn back and run. But those alive, the soldiers that waited their possible death counted on her to get this right.

She held her head up strong. No fear. No fear. No fear.

Leliana's men surrounded the Temple as Ni found a path down into the crater. A deep voice boomed overhead. It sounded vaguely familiar. As she crept closer to the edge, she heard her own voice coming from the Breach.

A vision of her in green flashed up. She entered a room where the Divine was being held captive. The real Ni wondered why she didn't help her! Why was the Divine-

"Kill her! Now!" the demon yelled.

"What are you doing up there?" Cassandra asked at the same time the Divine yelled, "Run! Run!"

"I… I honestly don't remember."

"Seeker, that's red lyrium!" Varric said, his voice a pitch higher.

"I see it, Varric."

Ni found a safe place to jump down. Her group gathered around her as they stopped short of the rift. "Are you ready to do this?"

Ni opened her mouth to answer but an intense pain in her hand brought her to her knees. "Ni!"

The knife that dug into her the first time was now a sword and it severed her palm. The mark glowed, spreading an inch or so on the palm. She held her wrist with her left hand, her entire arm tense.

On Solas' command, she put up a hand and opened the rift. The blast sent her reeling back.

A grey demon stepped from the hole, roaring with defiance. "Now!" The twang of arrows followed Cassandra's command.

In order to hurt the demon, she must put her hand out and close part of the rift.

Each time she put her hand up, she felt energy being pulled from her core. She longer cast spells with ease, instead swung her staff like a club, fighting back the demons that got too close.

"Close the rift!" came a yell. Who…?

Ni wanted to refuse. She wanted to lie down in the middle of the rubble and sleep, forever. She put her hand up one last time, vision going dark as the magic was forced into her body.

AAA

Ni woke with a start. Her eyes opened to a ceiling above instead of the green laced sky. She sat up, placing a hand on the bed to steady herself and her heart. A small elven boy carrying a crate came in. He dropped it immediately when he realized she was awake. "Please, I didn't realize-" Why was he scared of her? She supposed her appearance wasn't something to be desired, but she was fairly okay on the eyes.

"Where am I?" she asked.

"Back in Haven," the boy replied. "They say you stopped the Breach from growing. Stopped your hand from growing."

Will they let her go? Was this finally the end of her sentence or would she be held accountable of the crime she supposedly committed? "Lad-lady Cassandra will want to know you're awake." He scampered to his feet.

"Where is she?"

"In the Chantry, with the Lord Chancellor." He bang the door behind him.

Everything fell silent. Her hand throbbed with pain, but it was only small compared to the pain she felt in the Temple. She got up, wavered and steadied herself. Ni put on the light armor that was left for her at the edge of the bed.

Ni took the walk as slow as she could. There were lines of soldiers placing their hand in a salute. It made her feel uncomfortable. Though the silence was nice. No cheering crowds. No…

She reached the massive wooden doors. Something held her to the spot just before them. Fear, apprehension, something she couldn't put her finger on. Pick one. Ni exhaled a deep breath and pushed.

AAA

"Chain her. I want her prepared for travel to the capital for trial," the Chancellor said the moment she walked through the door.

Ni pushed away from the guards' hands. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm completely innocent?"

"A trial will prove that." Roderick settled back on his heels, that same self-serving smile plastered on his face.

"No. No trial will exonerate me."

"Exactly. Chain her!"

Cassandra waved a hand. "Disregard that. Leave us." The guards slapped their fists over their chests and left.

Roderick glared at the Seeker. "I will not have the only person who could close the Breach taken away. I do not believe she blew up the Conclave."

"And what proof do you have of this? Where is the evidence that will-"

"Enough! I have spoken. She will remain with us."

"I did what I could. It almost killed me to close the Breach." Ni tried to explain.

Roderick sneered. "Yet you live."

"Again, enough!" Cassandra put her hand on her hilt. "I will not have fighting. We have another unknown threat behind the explosion at the Conclave."

"Cassandra is right, Chancellor. They may have died or have allied who still live. We face more than just the Breach."

Ni stared at the map engraved into the tabletop. The conversation became background noise. She wasn't free. She couldn't leave, stuck here until that fucking Breach closed and no one knew how long that would take.

"...Maker sent her to us in our darkest hour," Cassandra was saying.

"I am not your chosen one or Maker's chosen one. I am not and will not be your religious symbol," Ni said. Six pairs of eyes trained on her. "I was not sent here by the Maker. I just got lucky."

Her words affected all, but there was only one pair of eyes she cared about, and those eyes turned away.

"You are our only hope of closing the Breach, Ni," Leliana said. Cassandra rummaged behind the red haired woman for something.

A symbol of hope. That she could endure. But not religious. Not the Maker's vessel or the Maker's hand. She wanted nothing to do with the Maker.

Cassandra slammed a book onto the table. Ni was once again focusing on something rather than the conversation around her. The door shutting broke her from her revere. "You want to start a what?"

"Inquisition."

"Yes. People who were brought together to bring back order into the world." Leliana opened the book and flipped through the pages.

"We can do this," Cassandra said. Though it sounded like she was convincing herself rather than Ni.

"So I'm still your prisoner," Ni said. She gritted her teeth together, anger running a course through her blood.

"No, but only you can restore true order. We need you." Cassandra held out her hand. As much as Ni wanted to take it, she needed to think.

"I… I need a moment to myself." Ni turned on her heel and marched out the door. She pressed her back to the cool wood, carrying the disappointment in Cassandra's eyes with her.

Ni wasn't a fucking leader. She led people to their deaths. She couldn't be apart of the Inquisition. There was no way in hell…

But if she didn't join, wouldn't that also be her fault? Wouldn't it be better if people were sacrificed in the process of restoring peace rather than the unravelling chaos that reigned outside? Ni paced. She threw her hands in the air. "Fuck!"

A knock startled her. "Ni?" The now familiar voice of Cassandra called to ehr. She leaned against the door, hands crossed over each other. "I know it's a lot-"

"No, it's more than a lot. You're asking me to join this old world power come back to life. I'm not sure what I want to have for breakfast tomorrow. I can't do this, Cassandra. The last time-"

"No, please stop pacing. You're making me nervous." Ni didn't stop which was why she found herself stopped by Cassandra's hands on her shoulders. The Seeker was slightly taller than her. Ni lifted her head a little to stare into Cassandra's eyes.

"You aren't doing this alone. You aren't going through hell alone. We are all here for you."

Ni closed her eyes, wrenched herself from Cassandra and sat against the stone wall. "You don't understand. The last time I took charge of anything, I killed more people than I helped. I can't do that again."

There was more to it. She also couldn't put herself in the light. If her family found out she survived, Willow Trevelyan would come trouncing back into her life. She needed to keep that part of her away from this.

"You won't be in charge. You're only a symbol. The Maker-"

"The Maker has done nothing. If he truly existed, do you think this would've happened?" Ni watched pain flare across Cassandra's face for a moment. It dropped as fast as it appeared.

"I think there is a plan," she said carefully. "Please, help us. We need you."

It'd been a while since anyone needed her, much less wanted her. Ni stood and brushed off her pants. "Yeah, okay."

Ni took Cassandra's outstretched hand and shook it.


	5. Chapter 5

Ni sat at a table by herself with some parchment and a quill. Ink dripped in a splatter pattern in the top right-hand corner as the words evaded her. "Writer's block?" a gruff voice said beside her.

She nodded as Varric sat across from her. He placed a mug of something on the parchment. "Here, drink. You'll need it."

Ni took a sip and cringed. "Ale? Isn't there something stronger?" She turned towards the bar, his voice stopping her.

"No. Cassandra won't allow it. She wants everyone to be their best and getting drunk isn't...a proactive way of being ready for anything."

Ni placed her head in her hand, staring at the parchment and mug of ale through her fingers. "I can't...write!" She threw the quill down.

Varric swirled his drink, silent. Ni also stayed silent.

"What do you write?"

"Hm?"

"What," Varric said, pointing at the parchment, "do you write?"

She stared at him for a few seconds, deciding if he was being genuine.

In her hesitance to answer him, he slapped a small, leather-bound book on the table. "I never leave home without that," he said after taking a drink.

"I write poetry, but I'm so out of practice."

Varric chuckled. "I didn't know writing needed practicing."

"Well… I haven't written in so long-"

"You're overthinking it, Patch. Just write."

Ni stared at him longer. He was an odd little dwarf. "Why do you call me Patch?"

His eyes crinkled around the edges with a smile. "You have a patch of hair on your head. I like nicknames."'

Ni choked back most of the ale. She dipped the quill back into the ink and scratched away at the parchment.

My eyes are a galaxy,  
Dripping stars and moonlight  
Onto earth 

I walk among the gods of old

Saying goodnight to old friends

Constellations held together by the strings

Of the universe

My eyes are a galaxy

Breeding new planets

Orbiting the sun of my heart

The ruins of yesterday are today's surprise

Shadows holding secrets the sun can't fathom

My heart, the sun, the center of this galaxy of me

Is older than I am

Worn and tired

It drips its light onto earth

And dies in the black abyss

A candle smothering its flame in the wax

I haven't cleaned away

I walk among the gods of old

Saying good morning to old friends

Constellations disappearing, erasing themselves

In the light of my heart.

Ni and Varric sat for the rest of the night in companionable silence. 

According to Leliana, their next move was in the Hinterlands. There was a Mother by the name of Giselle who could help them win over some of the clerics still on the fence about the Inquisition.

Lucky for them, the Hinterlands was close to Haven.

"Tell me something, Ni," Varric said on the first night. He sat by the fire, polishing Bianca's wood with the attention of a lover. "What made you go to the Conclave?"

Ni poked the fire with a stick. There were so many answers to his question. "Freedom."

"How was your experience in the Circle?" Cassandra asked.

Ni glanced at her sideways. "It wasn't great. Could have been better I suppose, but it kept me away from the influence of my family, so I was thankful for its protection."

Varric stopped polishing. His eyes seemed to look past her mask, past her wall and into the core of her. He pointed a stubby finger to her cheek, "I feel as if you have this great story behind those scars. One day, I'd like to hear it."

Ni put a hand to her cheek. The scars became such an integral part of her identity, she had forgotten about them. She flashed him a sad smile. "I'm not sure you would." The pain of the scars had vanished. As much as she tried to conjure the memory, it wasn't there.

Varric gave her a smile that spoke volumes. Someday, perhaps, she would tell him the story. 

If Ni's life was easy, the visit to the Hinterlands would've been simple. Meet Mother Giselle and procure the horses for the Inquisition from the horsemaster.

But it didn't happen that way.

The long staff on her back was a dead giveaway she was a mage. While, yes, there were small little battles happening along the way to Mother Giselle, a group of Templars attacked Ni and her companions without cause.

"All right!" Varric yelled, relishing in releasing his crossbow.

Ni stumbled back, hating violence. She didn't want to kill them. There had to be a moral high ground here, and she wanted that road.

Too busy in her thoughts, Ni never noticed the Templar sneaking up behind her. "Patch!" She jumped up and spun, almost too late in her reaction.

An arrow whizzed past her and through the man's head. "Come on, Patch. We need your help!"

Ni swallowed around the sudden lump in her throat and danced with the spells on her fingertips. They aren't people. People don't do this. They're monsters, every one of them. Monsters. Monsters.

The words in her head seemed to transform men and elves into these hulking masses of fear. Her spell casting became more frantic, weaving in and out of the Templars, cutting one by one down with her staff.

Soon the four of them stood in a ring of death. Ni trembling on her legs. She stabbed the staff into the ground, tears falling from her cheeks. "I… I can't do this," she breathed. Solas and Cassandra exchanged looks. "Please…"

They never made it to Mother Giselle. Cassandra took her back to the camp above the small town, leaving her in a tent. Cassandra stormed around for a few moments. "Seeker!" Ni heard Solas reprimand.

"What?" Her voice full of sharp knives, seething fire.

"It's a minor setback." Solas' voice was cold water compared to her. It was meant to soothe, but it only angered her more.

"Minor setback? She told Leliana she could kill. Ni is weak and right now, we can't use weaknesses!"

There was a sigh.

Ni curled up on herself, tears still rolling down her cheeks. Varric came in with a cup of tea. "Drink this, Patch."

Ni drank most of it, her body feeling heavy, giving Varric a sad smile.

She wouldn't be the symbol of hope for the people. Hope wasn't weakness. Weak hope didn't muster up the people, gather them together and overthrow the threat.

"Am I...the wrong person for this job?" Ni warmed her hands on the cup.

"No. You aren't."

His words didn't reassure her. It also did little to ease the fluttering in her stomach. Ni stared at her left hand. Strange how one little thing marked her for life. There was no way she was getting out of this.

Ni gave Varric a sad smile. She pushed her way out of the tent. Cassandra was still pacing. Solas had given up soothing her. "Seeker, you can't blame her," Varric said from behind Ni.

Seemed like she had more white knights than she knew what do with.

Did Ni need rescuing?

"Perhaps not. But you did tell Leliana-"

"I told Leliana I would kill if necessary. Killing leaves behind feelings that..."

Cassandra sighed deep, pushing out the breath. "We need to still get to Mother Giselle. You need to talk to her. We'll bring her to you."

Yes… yes, Ni needed rescued and that needed to change.


End file.
